Suicidal Thoughts and Actions in Young Children

Child Therapy

Feb 18

Written By Jim

When young children (ages 3-11) express suicidal thoughts or talk about wanting to die, we as adults need to listen and believe what they are expressing. Suicidal types of statements said by children can be unnerving and scary for parents and professionals. Working with TCK’s/MK’s often means we or they have less resources available to them in the immediate present. This article is a short overview of how we can help children when they come to us struggling with thoughts of life and death. This is not meant to be a therapy guide, but a help for those who care about children's wellbeing.

Definitions:

Suicide is defined as death caused by self-directed injurious behavior with intent to die as a result of the behavior.
A suicide attempt is a non-fatal, self-directed, potentially injurious behavior with intent to die as a result of the behavior. A suicide attempt might not result in injury.
Suicidal ideation refers to thinking about, considering, or planning suicide. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/

IMPORTANT:

Every situation involving suicidal ideation must be taken seriously. Never underestimate what a child is capable of or how serious the situation is. If a child you know is experiencing suicidal ideation—take action immediately.

Make sure the child is safe- remove all objects that could cause harm.
Notify parents immediately if you are not the guardian.
Contact a professional (ex: counselor, doctor, or care professional)
Sometimes you may have to make a mandatory report to protect a child

***Taking immediate action can save a life

Safety and awareness:

Often when a child expresses suicidal ideation, parents can feel a combination of, embarrassment, shock, or disbelief. They may wonder how others will view them and their child. Parents may wonder how it will affect them if they need to get help for a child – they may worry about life disruption and cost. All of these can be thought through later when we have made sure the child is safe and getting good care.

Children who have expressed suicidal ideations need to NOT have access to the resources that would allow them to carry out this act. This includes weapons, places of height, pills or medications, ropes, or other means. Be aware of what is around the home and places children frequent. As adults, we need to be vigilant in this regard.

Questions, thoughts, and ideas:

How do children get the idea of ending their life? This may be something they heard randomly, through media, in the home, or from friends. Other times it could be a logical deduction they think of on their own. For instance; “I’ve been told not to climb over the railing on our balcony– I could fall and get really hurt.” Now, when life is really hurting, they make connections with past information they have and decide, “I know how to end the hurt or the aloneness I feel.”

In my career, children have shared with me a wide range of sentiments regarding wanting to die. Ex.- after the birth or adoption of a sibling and they are feeling left out; “no one loves me anymore, I might as well be dead.” It could be that they got in trouble for something, and they feel overwhelmed or embarrassed, thinking, “No one wants to be around me because I am a bad kid.” Maybe these thoughts come after a recent move or loss.

Often suicidal ideation in children is a result of depression and anxiety, coupled with not knowing how to handle a situation. Children can often feel overwhelmed by sudden life changes, the death of someone they know, abuse, or trauma. They feel life is too difficult, why go on? Children with ADHD are even more prone to acting on suicidal thoughts due to the impulsive behavior they may experience. Children who have mentioned suicide or dying need to be taught skills on how to handle the problem situations they are facing. Often, children have no idea how to maneuver out of difficulty, and they can quickly feel overwhelmed.

Listening:

When talking with children, we need to remember to be calm; our anxiety or uncertainty will only increase these feelings in children. If we talk with them in an accusatory manner, they will become alarmed, shut down emotionally, and more than likely stop talking to us.

Listen to the child, and repeat back to them what you understood.
Ask them about how they are feeling and how you can help.
Assure them you are there for them--- but this must be true!
Never promise a child you will not tell someone else what they are going through. We do need to tell others and get the child help.

Protective factors and resourcing:

Children need the strong connection of family and friends. Often parents are busy, stressed, and have worries and anxieties of their own. Children may pick up on these and frequently feel they can or should not share their own struggles. Sometimes, parents do not know how to listen to kids well, or parents may not take ideations about suicide seriously. If a child is depressed or anxious, and struggling in general, they need more family connection and support--- even though they often push away during these times.

It is important to remember that cultural and religious beliefs can be a great support to children during times of suicidal ideation. Along with the positives of a belief in heaven and an afterlife, sometimes children (and adults) will start to think, “if heaven is so great and life right now is so difficult— it would just be better if I was in heaven now.” This is a very logical deduction for children. As adults, this can give us opportunities to talk with them about life, death, and the purpose of life now. Remembering; The value of life, God's deep love for a child, and the value of family are all important things to focus on. Look for ways to talk with children about these values. And remember, we are in a spiritual battle and our children are vulnerable. Pray for and with them regularly. Please do not use spiritual beliefs as a way to shame or punish.

Children, above all things, need love- they need to know they are loved and valued. Often, during sadness or depression, children struggle with the idea of being loved; they may feel taken for granted, or if they are a child with behaviors that push people away, they may believe they are better off dead or not part of the family. They need to know just how much they are loved and cared for by parents, siblings, extended family, and their wider community. They need to know you care enough to take time for them and for their concerns or problems.

Reassurances are important for children. Talking about their value and how important they are must especially be done during this time. They want to know they are more important than anything in a parent's life. They need more than words– they need to see this in action.

Talk with children about their well-being. Talk with them about death, that it is permanent and final. Many young children (often under 7-8yr) do not fully realize the permanency of death. They often do not realize how their death would impact their family. They need to know others are concerned about what is bothering them—worries, fears (real or perceived), bullying, abuse that has happened, grief and loss issues, and their concerns about who they are (failures, behavior, etc.). Focus on helping them with those issues. Reading with them about these things,and also listening, praying and caring.

Listen and talk with children so they understand you care. Statements such as “That’s not a big deal,” or “Don’t cry or worry about that,” or things like “You’re too old for that” are not helpful for children, especially during this time. When listening to a child, affirm them with statements such as “I can see how that would be difficult” or “That must have been really scary.”

Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person's frame of reference. You do not have to say, “I know how you feel.” As adults we probably do not know how they feel—we do not need to say it. We need to say, “I am here for you now, and I will continue to be here”—if you say this, you must mean it.

Certain kids seem to feel the pain of life more than others. Kids who are emotionally in-tune with those around them can often take on the pain of others. Some children who are spiritually attuned sense and feel more around them than others. Artistic and intelligent children, at times, perceive things most children do not. This can lead them to question more and ask, “Why is the world such a hard place?” These children usually express or at least feel stronger or deeper emotions than most. These kids are often the ones who feel death may be a better option than life, as then the pain will go away. Be aware and care.

We must talk to kids with suicidal ideation about getting help for them. Tell them you will find out how to help them; you do not want them to continue to suffer. Assure them that sometimes we all feel like life is hard and we do not always understand how to help ourselves. They need to know they will not feel this way forever, and we will help them get through this.

Final thoughts:

It is important as parents and professionals to be aware of children's emotions, and how to care for them well. Working and helping children, your own or others is a challenge and a delight. None of us will be perfect, we are unable to predict what children will face or how they will respond to their circumstances and surroundings. We do our best to know our children or those we work with, so we can care for them well. Know that children need us to be aware and care. It is important to focus on the child during a time like this and to seek the best care for them in a time of crisis like suicidal ideation. Loving children unconditionally and helping them navigate the challenges of life are essential. Being a source of safety, trust, and hope is key during these times. Remember, our hope and desire for children is to see them thrive and return to the full potential of life and family.