Ask A Child Therapist: About Kids In Transition
One of the greatest stressors for global workers is seeing their children struggle, especially in a setting where they may not have support or resources to help. Valeo’s child and adolescent therapist, David, has helped many global worker families over the years. This is the first in a series of posts in which David answers some of the most common questions global workers have been asking about their children.
How do we walk with our kids through transition, especially with the added layer of uncertainty from the pandemic?
This is a great question. The pandemic has created a lot of uncertainty for all of us. I believe there are factors to consider with our kids, such as age, maturity, and understanding. However, I believe that honesty and emotional connection are what our kids need the most during times of uncertainty. My family and I lived in Thailand during a couple of coup d'etat. The first days and weeks were filled with uncertainty. We talked a lot about what we knew, what the government said was going to happen, and what it would mean if we had to leave. We talked about the emotions we were feeling. I think some of these same principles apply now. Listen intentionally to your kids. Maybe keep an “emotion journal” or a “questions and concerns journal.” Then every day or every few days, talk about them. Bringing safety and consistency into children’s lives is very important during times of uncertainty. Talk through plans, things that you know, and also concerns you have and how to address them.
How can I help my preschool-age child express and process his grief?
Break it down into very practical terms. Use words such as “sad,” “mad,” and “scared,” or concepts such as “What do you miss?” and“Who do you miss?” You can create charts and drawings to tape on the wall. Depending on their memory and experience, you can make drawings about people or things that are missed. Talk about them, draw people and things you miss or have lost. I often talked with my own kids or the kids I work with about my own experience of loss. Remember though, this is about your kid, not your own therapy, so don’t over-share or burden them. However, you can share things such as “I remember when I moved in 2nd grade. I really missed all my friends, I felt really sad.” You can read books about moving, or loss of a loved one, books about emotions. Use coloring sheets about these things; the internet has lots of options.
How do you distinguish between transition acting out and an underlying problem?
It’s challenging! Some underlying problems come out more during transition. Also, some transition actually causes underlying problems. For kids, cutting, suicidal talk, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, etc. can all be seen during transition. I try to help families think through questions like, “Was something like this happening before transition? Or did this have an onset once you entered transition? How about your other kids? How about other kids you know?”
For more serious behaviors—by this I mean ones that have more serious consequences—we should wait much shorter periods of time to get help. These include things like cutting, suicidal thoughts, significant anxiety, deep/dark depression. Other behaviors such as general crying, low mood, nervousness, complaining and anger can be tolerated longer and hopefully talked and listened through. Patience is important. My wife and I try to remind ourselves and each other, “It's really not about us; it's about what they are experiencing.” Admittedly this is hard if your kid is saying things like “I hate you,” “This is your fault” or “Screw you!” (with more colorful language).”
This is the first in a series of Q&A with Valeo’s child and adolescent therapist, David. Stay tuned for more posts answering common questions from global workers about how to help their children.
If you are a global worker and believe your family would benefit from counseling, Valeo would be honored to serve you. Click here to Start Now.
