Adopted Children and Raising Them Cross-Culturally
This article ties together two things that bring me joy and excitement: the adoption of children into families and the living out of the great commission among the nations. I wholeheartedly believe what Isaiah 1 says: “Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.” For myself, I have a calling to live out those words - to help the oppressed, seek justice for children, and care for my family. I also have a deep desire to serve others well through my work as a licensed professional counselor in the Member Care world.
Let’s begin with definitions:
Adoption: the act of legally taking a child to be taken care of as your own. - dictionary.cambridge.org
Cross-cultural living: interacting with and pursuing cultures and countries different or foreign to one's own, and choosing willingly and with purpose to live there.
This article came about after years of working with global worker families, and hearing from friends who had “difficult” experiences in cross-cultural living regarding adoption. I continued hearing stories and seeing their emotions of anger, confusion, perplexion, and grief, amongst others. These experiences often centered around invasive questions, hurtful remarks, sometimes racial slurs, or even outright meanness regarding adopted children these parents were raising. I worked with families who were unable to continue living cross-culturally because of the harsh effects of others' actions and views regarding children of adoption. My hope is for this article to help parents, organizations, schools, and friends be more aware of the ramifications that adoption and cross-cultural living can have on children and families.
Even with training and thoughtful organizations, many of us were underprepared for what we felt called to; cross-cultural living and work. If you have lived cross-culturally for any amount of time, you will know that many assumptions and former ways of functioning are deeply challenged when living overseas. You have probably also discovered that all the challenges you went to the field with will be compounded by the intensity and stress of living outside your passport culture.
Similarly, in my personal and professional life, the adoption of children is an experience for which most parents are underprepared. That lack of preparedness is often compounded when families take on the task and calling of cross-cultural living.
In regard to the topic of this discussion, I cannot attempt to cover all the scenarios that occur or what can be done in each situation. These are generalizations applied to complicated situations.
Some basic and important aspects for us to consider in adoption:
Loss, Sadness, Joy:
Adoption itself is a complicated process with many emotions. The experience of loss is one we do not normally focus on, however, adopted children come from a beginning or live with on-going experience of loss. This starts with the loss of birth family, possibly ethnic culture, and life as it would have been, whether good or challenging. At some point in the child's life, these losses can create questions about identity, belonging, and how life has been. There is often loss for the parents of adoption, for instance, infertility or previously failed adoptions. There is hard work to be done to have a child placed in an adoptive home, ranging from financial cost, to difficult governmental processes. When a family adopts a child into their home – whether the child is a few days old or a teenager - they arrive with needs, personality, and various issues that must be addressed.
In my family, we have gone through our own joys and losses associated with adoption. Our completed adoption success and joy story is with our middle child, who is now in his early twenties. We cannot fathom a life without him.
Each adoption story, whether it appears complicated or not, is different and complex in its own way. For child and parent, it is a lifelong journey. It is imperative to wrestle with this: adoption is a beautiful and complex story.
Naivete:
In my experience, families often go into the adoption process naively. In the years I have worked with families I have regularly heard people speak of “love is enough”. This seems to be implying a simplicity or ease of experience. Or it may be in reference to providing a home, love, and care with an “everything will work out” ideal. It is some mystical idea that these things will take away the pain, misunderstandings and challenges that adoptees can experience. Reality is that many families deeply struggle trying to understand their adopted child's unique identity and experience. Many families are unprepared to face the unsuspecting challenges that can arise - especially in trans-cultural or transracial adoption.
Excitement and Perseverance:
As a father of an adopted child I know the joys and excitement of parenting such a child. From experience, I also know there are many children in the world who need permanent homes, and would benefit from being a part of a family. I love to hear of families who have or are adopting children. Parentless children need permanency in forever families. Bringing together children and parents is truly a miraculous experience. As wonderful as adoption is, remember it is not for the simple, naive, or faint of heart. Families choosing this journey have chosen to enter into a physical, emotional, and spiritual battle for children. Perseverance and hope are key elements in the journey.
Education:
No matter what one's connection is to adoption - parent, professional, relative, or friend - it is imperative to read, watch and listen to as much as you can about adoption. Talk with others who have adopted children. Talk with adults who were adopted. If you're thinking about adopting, talk with your immediate and extended family about it. At the end of this article is a recommended reading list, useful in my own experience. Challenge yourself and pick two adoption books and read them this year, or participate in an online training for parents or professionals, or go join a support group for adoptive families. Keep learning and growing and you will be a better parent or professional.
If desiring to adopt, go into the adoption process with heart and eyes wide open. Whether working with a public or private adoption agency, be attentive. Agencies have various agendas and I believe they sometimes speak too simply or naively on the true toughness of adoption– especially with older children. Believe that your journey will be challenging. The challenge may start right away, or it may come later. Be as prepared as you can by educating yourself.
Questions:
Eventually, questions come from adopted children; whether this child joined your home as an infant (as our child was) or as a toddler or teen. If you have biological children in your home, they will also have questions. The questions will be challenging at times, and answers may be unknown or potentially painful.
In regard to questions, these will also come from family, friends and strangers.
Please- *remember your child’s adoption story is their story. You are a protector and guardian of that story. Share it respectfully, carefully and well.
My friend, and colleague who is an adoptive mother recently said to me, “Adoptive parents can and should set boundaries when people ask intrusive questions. Parents' responses should be talked through with your parenting partner before they arise, because these questions will be asked.”
Here are a few questions we compiled that are regularly asked:
Was the child's mother a teenage mother?
Can you really love them like “your own” child?
What kind of problems do they have?
Does your child know they are adopted?
How much did this cost you?
These are the type of questions as parents and helpers that we need to be prepared for. As children get older these are ones we can help them think through how they would answer these questions themselves.
Adoption and Cross-Cultural Living:
Specifically, what should we think about and be prepared for living outside of one's passport culture while raising adopted children? We should pause and think about certain ideas that are held within the countries and cultures where families are working.
In general, what do people in that culture think of adoption?
What are their assumptions or prejudices regarding adoption?
What religious beliefs may be present in other places about adoption?
What might be the history of “foreigners” adopting children from this country?
Here are a few comments or questions I have heard in other countries about adoption:
Why would you take someone else’s trash into your home?
When adopting, you are asking for trouble and bringing danger into your family!
Don’t you know that people of your child’s ethnicity are demonic?
What does it feel like for us as adults to hear, experience, or try to think about answering those questions? As a parent, how would you handle these questions at that moment? How do these beliefs and questions impact a child?
There are a number of considerations for organizations or families to think about when planning to move cross-culturally with an adopted child.
Attachment experts know that, in general, building a healthy attachment can take 18-24 months or more in an adoption. This is often longer with older children.
How is the attachment process affected by traveling, moving homes, language adjustments, and not being surrounded by an understanding community?
What invasive or hurtful questions might others ask your adopted or biological children about adoption?
What if an adopted child has special needs? How can this compound potential misunderstandings or emotional distress for a child?
It can also be tempting for global workers to think that adoption can now be a tool to share with others about theological truths and our heavenly Father’s goodness. These are true, however, we must also remember our children are not a show, they are not to be used in ways that are not considerate of them and their needs.
What do the people in the culture you are living in believe about differences in ethnicity between a child and their parents? Subsequently, what will it be like for the adopted child to live in that culture?
How can we understand adopting children from the country where you are living? What cultural expectations are there of them as they grow up in their birth culture? My colleague said to me with strong emotion; “I know that our daughter has experienced challenges growing up as a foreigner in the country of her birth.”
As you prepare and educate yourself as a family- whether single or married with adopted children. Think about your situation and scenario where you are going or currently living. Is this a place that is harmful and or detrimental to the well-being of my adopted child? Think about how to be prepared to share your child's story in a way that is caring and respectful while also being a testimony to God’s goodness and grace. Think through the various developmental stages of children, realizing the impact of adoption and cross-cultural living may be different at various life stages. What impacts a toddler is very different from the teenage years. As an adoptive parent, you must decide whether you are willing to let go of a place, culture or work for your family's spiritual, emotional and physical health.
I hope this article will cause us to reflect on ideas and assumptions we make about adoption, children, and cross-cultural work. I hope you continue to do further research and seek out those living this journey.
Remember ….
Adoption is a beautiful, wonderful and challenging endeavor.
Moving to a country or culture not your own for the sake of the nations is also beautiful, wonderful and extremely challenging.
As you begin this journey or continue in it, please be prepared.
Be bold in prayer. Be bold in hope.
James 1 says this- “true religion is to care for those without family ” – it’s our heavenly Father’s desire.
Recommendations for Further Research:
The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family - Karyn B. Purvis, David R. Cross, Wendy Sunshine
Attaching in Adoption - Deborah D. Gray
Adopting the Hurt Child - Keck and Kupecky
(specifically, older children and special needs)
International adoption
Carried Safely Home: The Spiritual Legacy of an Adoptive Family - Kristin Swick Wong
I Wish for You a Beautiful Life: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children - Sara Dorow
Perspective for parents as children grow into adulthood.
Twenty Things Adoptive Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew - Sherrie Eldridge
Adoptees Come of Age: Living within Two Families - Ronald J. Nydam
(This book is written for adult adoptees. It is excellent for parents of adopted children, and it has been a tremendous help as I work with adult adoptees.)
This article is written by David, LCMHC, pictured with his adopted son.
